Lately I’ve been fretting over the issue of who would raise my son if both my husband and I died. I’m not just being melodramatic. All parents of kids under 18 (or perhaps a bit older) need to think about this. Have you?
We didn’t have our son until we were 42 and 45. Just ask any actuarial and I’m sure they would say that this increases the odds that something could happen to us before he’s grown up and someone else might need to finish raising the Mole Boy (our son’s digital nickname, since Mr. Safety won’t let me use his real name online).
This has been a real challenge for us. It’s not that we don’t have immediate family. We do. Mr. Safety has a sister and I have a brother and a cousin who is (or used to be) like a sister. I’m sure, if asked, any of them would accept the responsibility. The issue is finding someone who will raise MB the way we want him to be raised. And finding someone who actually would embrace the job and not just do it out of a sense of obligation, familial or otherwise. Among our choices are:
- Raging conservative family members whose views on many political, religious, and human rights issues are diametrically opposed to ours (but who we love in spite of this).
- A family member I used to be close to who initially accepted the role but who has taken the time to see MB exactly once in his 2-year+ life.
- A wonderful godmother who has never wavered from her commitment to never, ever have children (but is an awesome godmother).
- Some friends and family members who are older than we are and seem unlikely to want to “start a family” when they are in their 50′s or 60′s.
- Several friends who are “child free by choice,” which we respect.
We have some great friends who might embrace the role. But how do you broach this kind of conversation?
“Hey, it’s great to see you. Glad we got to have dinner together. Pass the rolls, please? Oh, and will you take our child if we die? Butter, too? Thanks.”
It’s awkward. And how does such a friend say, “Oh, no thanks” without fear of damaging the friendship?
It’s a little sad that we don’t have an “heir apparent” for our little heir apparent. And we aren’t willing to leave it to “work itself out” when the time comes.
Parents, you need to think about this if you haven’t. It needs to be in your written will. Money for his care and any remaining estate should be put in a trust for him with the terms spelled out (hint: don’t let a 21-year-old inherit everything outright. Even a level-headed 21-year-old could go a little crazy with a big check in hand. I suggest that he/she gets some at 21, some at 25 and the rest at 30). This isn’t legal advice. I’m only a recovering attorney and not a wills and estates attorney. Go talk to your lawyer. Talk to your family and anyone else involved. Everyone needs to be clear on what it means.
Friends, family, any takers on a Mole Boy? 
Carpe life but prepare for the alternative.
